Tag Archives: relationships

Day: i feel like it.

So…in the midst of entering post-grad adulthood, I realized I actually miss blogging here everyday. I never realized how much of a home this was to me and my unsettled feelings about romance, love and movies. It was a good friend that allowed me to vent about everything without silently judging me. Sometimes, that’s all I really need.

Anyways, I wanted to share with everyone a small ethnography project I did for my cultural anthropology class. It was based on understanding the sociolingustics about dating among males and females. I’m not denying this could be more thorough, but I was able to grasp a small concept and delve a bit more deeper than I normally would. So take a whack at it, tell me your thoughts and enjoy!

*Obviously, names have been changed.

*Bing, It’s an Exchange of Power

As we venture deeper into the tech era, the modes of communication have diversified. Implications in dating have transformed and have aligned with such transformations. We are now not only faced with explicit difficulty in dating, but are now confronted with the difficulties of expressing emotion through electronic sources. In this paper, I demonstrate that males and females use various forms of communication, in particular electronic communication, in dating to maintain power over the variability of social situations.

This process of maintaining power within relationships allows modified curating over an expected language, a set of existing behavioral norms, both in the text message context and interpersonally. When we analyze the data, we can see how certain key terms such as “confidence” and “control” are frequently used when describing dating behaviors. For this study, a combination of methods was used. A series of in-person and informal interviews were held. Subjects were male and female, ages 21-26, all frequently engaged in several technologies to maintain contact. Subject A, Lothario, “thrived in interpersonal connections.” Once he attains a woman’s number, he is inclined to call them the next day. The idea of waiting seemed pointless to him he states and that he did not believe in a set of dating rules. He believed that it showing a sense of insecurity and to set himself apart, calling seemed more like a direct move instead of texting. When asked why he preferred calling he said, “conversation shouldn’t be scripted.” He described his style of dating as a means of proving “you’re not like anyone else.” What was present in this interview was Lothario’s ease in detecting what would be the form of communication based on the retriever. Lothario’s confidence seemed to differ from Subject B’s point of view when it came to approaching relations with the opposite sex. Steve can admit he was never keen on having phone conversations, a habit that carried on throughout his life. When asked what he thought was the best form of communication, he answered texting was. He explained, “easiest way to communicate because it gives you instant access, simulates being right there.” Steve felt that at times, phone calls could get “stale.” He cared for the fact that there was no urgency for immediacy, and more importantly, texts protect him from the awkwardness that phone conversations can have the tendency to do. The word “protects” seemed correlated to the idea of power once again.  Curation of conversation was also a novelty of texting. As Steve points out, texting allows him “to craft your senses to make it sound a bit clearer.”

However, what I needed to understand was this existing norms of dating etiquettes that was constantly referred. Subject 3 was able to touch on this aspect. Subject 3, John, 25 and a student, believed there was no set of preferences in calling or texting. In fact, everything related to communicating was based on existing set of dating rules, but somehow translated into today’s times. He felt like once a connection was established with the opposite sex; he would generally text them two days after. He felt the absence of his presence built anticipation and his “value would not be diminished.” Value seemed to fit in the pool of self-image, and again correlated to the facet of confidence. Texting too soon would make him appear desperate; texting too late meant he was not interested. John also noted that texting was the easiest way of not dealing with rejection because in essence, it was one-way communication. When asked what simple rules he followed up, he just said, “It’s common sense. The basics, we have the ability to take hints which is dependent on the communication.” When asked similar questions to females, there was an astounding agreement that there was an existing etiquette into texting and calling. There was a limitation provided as well, too soon would be considered “too much.” They all agreed, when meeting someone, they expect the other person to follow up. Calling would be a surprise, but a text was perfunctory. As part of my fieldwork, I noticed that online dating allowed a sense of selection that I would have otherwise have not outside the web. Being provided with information about someone’s life at an instant provides an overwhelming sense of control and security that is not quite present when meeting someone in person. Selection becomes even narrower at this point. Another thing to note, messages that were exchanged followed the same prototype as texting – concise and curated. There was no room to allow variability because we had the Internet right at our footsteps.

Discussion

            Forms of communication essentially became physical metaphors of power. Analyzing the interviews, key terms that described the exchange of communications surrounded ideals of confidence and self-identification. These set rituals of dating only reinforce such power exchanges. What is striking that the nature of these existing rituals of courtship prompted men to initiate conversation, hence they have more power to lose. According to the study, “The Evolution of Courtship Rituals in Monogamous Species”, Wachtmeister and Enquist have examined how partner quality may be revealed because high-quality males can afford to use more elaborate displays or because a direct relationship exists between quality and performance. The study also noted “for manipulation to be possible, biases must exist in receiver’s behavior so that it is possible for a sender to elaborate on existing stimuli and thereby elicit responses more favorable to the sender” (Wachtmeister and Enquist, 1999).  Dictating the conversation was then a crucial component in courtship as it meant manipulation in achieving partnership. Checking at female subject responses, not many mention a lost of confidence as feedback, the perception of the male played a more significant role in responses. These implicit signs of a power struggle ultimately impacted males more than females. It concluded that males are in control of the conversation. Variability solely relied on the female reaction. Therefore, whatever was said within text messages would be implicitly applied in person.  This alludes to the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, in which language shapes or limits in which a speaker forms conceptions of the world. We can look to Hollywood to propel these explicit and often exaggerated representations of these modes of communications.

To summarize, I argue that there is an exchange of power, whether gained or lost, in communication between males and females. The various modes of electronic communication are metaphors of self-confidence in the perspective of the males, while a determining factor of perception for females. The ideals of courtship nurture the ideals of manipulation in the curation and control of conversations as understood in text messages.  It is important to notice the language surrounding such courtship rituals that identify with the concepts of confidence an self-image. The variability of social situations is dependent on how quickly females can adapt to attraction. In conclusion, my arguments provides an explanation on the heavy reliance on texting as an acceptable form of communication in courtship, and how the presence of power is implicitly implied in such social situations.

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Day 142: The Way We Were

The Way We Were w/ Barbara Streisand & Robert Redford

It’s a familiar story of love, one that is easily recognizable, yet hard to look back on. With a soundtrack from Streisand, it’s difficult not to get a little choked up when watching The Way We Were. Relationships are a complicated thing, but it’s even more complicated when the truth alone is accepted and embraced. Yes, they were socially opposite, but their intentions of love were the same. But over time, they grew, and they grew apart.

He was the best he could be for her when they were together. An often sad but practical viewpoint of life and relationships. Really, that’s all you could ask for. The point of relationships is to grow individually. Your other person should compliment your life, even if that means for temporary. Katie and Hubbell meet in college, an all too familiar setting of transitional phases of life – a breeding ground of insecurity, security and hope. Relationships are a nurturing ground for us to experiments different parts of our lives. I believe that things happen for a reason even in the most darkest of times. Especially romantic relationships. Katie helplessly falls in love but is too independent for Hubbell to handle. But even with that, their romance seems to trek them through the years until they reach a setting conclusion that they were content with the way they were (get it?!).

On to other matters, this project is ending literally tomorrow. CAN WE SAY WHATTTT?!?!!?!?

Hubbell Gardner: When you love someone, from Roosevelt to me, you go deaf, dumb and blind.

 

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Day 141: Cinema Paradiso

Cinema Paradiso w/ Philippe Noiret & Salvatore Cascio

Absolutely hands down one of my favorite movies. There’s always a sense of nostalgia and sadness whenever I watch this film. It clearly details the many facets of passion, desire and love. It begins with a love affair with movies and a divine relationship flourished out of that same passion between Salvatore and Alfredo. Over time, we watch young Salvatore’s affair with movies grow – at first as an admirer then as a director. Yet through trysts of time, we also sadly watch the diminishing relationship with Salvatore and Alfred. It becomes a journey of relentless desire of love and freedom movies from both characters. The significant screen kiss allows us to breathe a bit through the sadness.

The attraction to something worth waiting for. THAT person. That one significant person that we are whole fully dedicated to justify. The longing that occurs is because of the potential, that maybe he’s that person. Sometimes I ponder if that’s silly to do. But sometimes, I’m just that hopeless. Hopelessly desiring the potential but never seeing beyond the obvious. But sometimes, you just need to stop yourself from that desire. It’s a lot of time, effort and feelings wasted for someone else who doesn’t see your potential. Relationships and love should never include a BUT. “You’re great but I can’t give you what you deserve.” Truthfully, you’ll always deserve more than what they can give you BUT the fact that he or she can’t even work toward making possibilities happen means he or she isn’t worth your time. Dating is hard as shit and lonely as fuck BUT there is a silver lining to it I’m sure. Life isn’t like in the movies, where the person who screws up realizes they did in mere moments, nor do they really regret it sorrowfully. While he maybe couldn’t see the potential, he will sooner or later (at least I hope with all the guys I’ve dated). Because at the end of day, you’re an amazing person with the amazing potential to do anything you set yourself up to do BY YOURSELF with the support of those who knew it from the get go, no buts about that.

In Cinema Paradiso, our love for Salvator and Alfredo is truly escalated when we see a gift from Alfredo to Salvatore – a reel of the love scenes that were cut from the films that were shown in the theater. It was a culmination of accomplishment, relief and truly a magical moment that was conceived of a beautiful relationship.

Alfredo: Living here day by day, you think it’s the center of the world. You believe nothing will ever change. Then you leave: a year, two years. When you come back, everything’s changed. The thread’s broken. What you came to find isn’t there. What was yours is gone. You have to go away for a long time… many years… before you can come back and find your people. The land where you were born. But now, no. It’s not possible. Right now you’re blinder than I am.
Salvatore: Who said that? Gary Cooper? James Stewart? Henry Fonda? Eh?
Alfredo: No, Toto. Nobody said it. This time it’s all me. Life isn’t like in the movies. Life… is much harder.

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Day 140: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Forgetting Sarah Marshall w/ Jason Segal, Mila Kunis & Kirsten Bell

May not be one of the greatest love stories ever told but it’s definitely more reminiscent of many of the guys I know. When guy friends fall in love, it’s absolutely adorable, but on the contrary, when they get hurt it gets ugly. It’s not even endearing where you allow them to cry on your should, it’s physically ugly. You think you cry ugly, imagine a grown man sobbing continuously. Sometimes I like to think I’m blissfully ignorant and truly believe men don’t have feelings. So, when I see one of my guy friends seriously heartbroken it breaks that ignorance especially if what the female did was foul. Because for as much as we place importance on how boys are stupid, girls play just as horribly.

I know too many girls who treat men like crap and always regret it later. There are some great guys there hidden behind the douchebags. While I sometimes forget that, it’s a truth that needs to shine.

But dating sucks as well. There is no human filter that lets you know who to date and who not to date. First impressions are killer and always an unforgivable gateway. Some people really know how to talk and motives are always underlying. But if everything flows naturally, there’s always room to get screwed over. Dating in your 20’s is even more of an obstacle. It’s a weird phase in life where everyone is either settling down or enjoying the single too much. I’m on the verge of complacency in my dating life. Mostly because it’s get tiring to make an awesome impression when most of the time I frankly don’t care.

We’ve seen the Jason Segal men/friends in our lives, they totally deserve a girl like Mila Kunis. How they get them? I will never know. It’s a bro’s bro world out there, anything can happen!

It’s kind’ve crazy that I’m almost done with this project, I must say picking the last of these movies is getting fun.

Peter Bretter: [Drunk and waving a cocktail around at the hotel bar] I’m on Sex and the City…”Ahh, hi Miranda…” “Uhh, I’m Samantha… I have sex with everybody.”

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Day 139: The Shape of Things

The Shape of Things w/ Paul Rudd & Rachel Weisz

“BUT, the great equalizer.”  BUT in so many situations often welcomes in a slew of unwarranted and sometimes disheartening news. The Shape of Things, originally performed on stage , is an interesting parable of morality and sexual cruelty. Adam (played by the adorable Paul Rudd) and Evelyn (played by Rachel Weisz) cross paths at Adam’s work, the museum. The two embark on what is an illusion of dating, at least according to Evelyn later. In tryst with Adam’s former roommate, we start to understand the complexities of morale and what determines a “better” person. Evelyn heartlessly experiments with morale, manipulation and more importantly, free will, by inadvertently suggesting Paul changes. His changes would eventually lead to weight lost, change of clothes, loss of friends, a nose job…everything. Evelyn delivers her motives to the public in her thesis presentation. She claims that he is now “better” for society according to their standards. BUT, is that really better? Continue reading

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Day 138: Chalet Girl

Chalet Girl w/ Felicity Jones & Ed Westwick

While it doesn’t stray too far away from the formulaic “girl-next-door meets hot rich boy” plot line, Chalet Girl brings forth a refreshing leading lady to the genre. The last time I saw Felicity Jones was in Like Crazy, and she was border lining obsessive girlfriend minus the comic relief. In this film, we get to really see Jones in a more comedic light while still portraying her well-done bit of “don’t notice me, I’m normal.” I feel her pain of penny-pinching while all the world is reckless. Shit happens to me on the daily. I say I won’t spend on drinking, but it’s definitely easier said than done. But what’s a single girl to do?

Being single is difficult enough, being single and broke is even worse. Jones’s character, Kimmy, decides to take the unfanciful job of chalet girl, a fancier maid, in hopes to save some dough to help her dad. Sounds easy enough but she’s surrounded by folks who just want to get thrashed and enjoy the alps life. When she downs a glass of $500 Dom, she quickly realizes she just drank her rent money. Ouch. I read somewhere that Jones did some character research and voluntarily worked at ski resort, cleaning barf and all. Good for her.

Ultimately, this one rom-com that didn’t make me want to puke. Maybe it’s the accents, who knows.

Kim: No, irony is free. It’s sarcasm you’re paying for. Ironically.

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Day 134: Bride Wars

Bride Wars w/ Anne Hathaway & Kate Hudson

Maybe it’s because I’ll always love Anne Hathaway, but I actually decided to watch this ridiculous romantic comedy. In some weird way, it clearly depicted how deranged we are as society to embark on crazy antics in hopes of a “perfect” day.

Wedding days should be a culmination of both work and love. Because it does indeed take time and effort. But it should take on the extreme measures as these ladies have chosen to make it the best. The wedding is the party, but the planning and effort should be focused on the relationship primarily.

Weddings are no doubt beautiful. I’ve spent many hours imagining how my wedding would be. Sadly, I can provide swatches immediately if needed. But then I start to think it all really depends on the type of love and relationship I foster with my significant partner that would really describe and make the wedding even more special. My parents didn’t have a grand wedding, a nice ceremony with friends and family. I was the flower girl, a weird feeling in retrospect. Weddings should never be a competition, but rather a celebration of all things merry.

I will admit though, I’ll probably be a bridezilla with my wedding planning. I feel sorry for the MOH and bridesmaids. Ya’ll better rest up now in the time being.

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Day 133: XX/XY

XX/XY w/ Mark Ruffalo

Oh boy. Boys and girls never seem to just get along no matter how adult we think we are.

Thanks for reinstating the notion that my twenties are going to a hotbed of unrequited emotional turbulence. Awesome.

Side note: I’m a sucker for Mark Ruffalo but this was even more ridiculous than I expected.

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Day 132: Carnage

Carnage w/ John C. Reilly, Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet & Christoper Waltz

If you haven’t seen the play, I highly recommend it. Carnage is a dual force. The movie implicitly shows the darker dynamics of marriage by showing the demise of two couples into pure chaos. What starts out to be an amicable attempt to get their sons to apologize, with the help of alcohol,  inevitably becomes a war of sexism and morale between two marriages.

What’s sad is that each side is relatively accurate about life, love and marriage. No one can really disagree but everyone can agree. Sometimes, we just purposely slay each other. We dig and dig to find some speckle of happiness over years and years of unhappiness. Sure, we’re all happy some of the time, but sometimes even the unhappiness seeps in a bit deeper. We’re all fucked. We’re even more fucked with the existence of alcohol in our systems. Here these two adults try to set primary example to their children, but are still relatively clueless themselves. As I get older, I only hope that I’m a bit wiser, but that notion is always fully defeated when I look at last night’s mistakes. I’m no walking hot mess, but I got a slew of fucked up shit that wouldn’t make anyone dream of unicorns and sunshine.

American couples need to see this movie, this may or may not decrease the annual visits to the therapist. Just saying.

Penelope Longstreet: I DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AND I DON’T WANT ONE!

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Day 127: The Break-Up

The Break-Up w/ Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn

Poor Jennifer Aniston. She just can’t seem to win. Well, I don’t think having Vince Vaughn is winning either.

Anyways, break ups are always horrible. I don’t think there are any existing clean slates. I remember voluntarily crying myself to sleep alone in the dark. And that was in high school! Shit gets pretty depressing. Shit is especially even more depressing when it’s never on your own terms. Mind games come back again at this stage which makes the recovery even more difficult. I’m always a complete hot mess when it comes to love. I would be that girl that look like she hasn’t slept in days when her heart is broken. It never makes any sense how things ever end but they do. There are some relationships where I still don’t know why we ended, others are crystal clear. Was it for the better? Sure. Surely I wouldn’t be where I am today if those relationships had continued, but who’s to say. My own individual goals could differ from our relationship goals.

Emotions take such a toll on your mind when you’re ending a relationship. It’s all you think about whether you like it or not. We find things/people to distract ourselves but in the very end, it still hurts like hell. Playing the bitch doesn’t work either, trust me.

But sometime’s you just gotta prevail and not surrender in doing what’s right for yourself, even if it means forsaking a bit of your happiness in the moment.

Gary: I’m just saying we shouldn’t wait so long the next time before we…
Brooke: Yeah.
Gary: Catch up.
Brooke: We have a lot more to talk about.
Gary: Yeah.
Brooke: So.
Gary: Be good.
Brooke: Okay.
Gary: Bye.
Brooke: Bye.

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